when I was eight I wanted to be Jan Brady but I'm better now
Author: phish
I was sitting in a paved yard that was meant to be mine but didn't look much like it. I was on a doorstep reading a book and the yard was a couple of inches under water. Suddenly I noticed a little woolly puppy floundering around in the water and picked it up to cuddle and dry it. An Asian woman appeared on my left and said it wasn't wise to do that. The puppy squirmed around in my arms and got bigger and bigger and was nipping at my upper arm, so I was saying, "No bite, no bite," to it, like I'd heard my ex do with his dog.
Then the puppy turned into a late-teens or early 20s man who wanted to have sex with me. I refused and disentangled myself from his arms. He called me a cocktease and threatened violence so I ran into the house and slammed the door in his face. The lock was faulty and the Asian woman had to help me hold it closed. Then I noticed there was an open door or a large open window right next to the door we were holding shut and sniggered to her that the guy must be really dumb to be trying to get through the closed door when there was an open one right next to it.
Then I was sitting on a grassy hill above the house, although the house had turned into a much larger one. Two guys were with me to protect me from the other guy. We were talking about something, then I decided I had to go to the bathroom. I picked up my glasses and purse and walked down the hill to the house. When I got inside I knew it was meant to be where the Brady Bunch were living although it was nothing like the house they had on TV. There were lots of bathrooms but they all seemed to be occupied -- one was strung up with laundry cord from wall-to-wall and from floor to ceiling and almost every line was pegged full of underwear. I found an empty bathroom near the back of the house and while I was on the toilet noticed there were three showers in the room but only one hot water tank, and that the ceiling was badly discoloured.
Mr Brady was knocking on the bathroom door to see if I'd finished yet. I had to call out that I hadn't because it was taking me a very long time to pee and I couldn't understand why. Actually it felt like I was sitting on something solid, so I looked behind me to make sure the lid was up. Then I saw the toilet had somehow moved and wasn't up against the wall and had a large window behind it with open blinds and outside was a small car park and directly opposite, a house with tinted windows. I hoped nobody was looking out while I was in the bathroom.
Finally I stopped peeing and had to hunt around for the toilet paper, then I discovered I'd had my skirt under me and hanging down into the toilet and it was soaked up the back. I struggled out of that then decided just to run away out of embarrassment but my glasses weren't where I'd put them (I don't know why I wasn't wearing them). I saw some which looked like mine and put them on but they made everything badly pixelated so I took them off. Mr Brady burst in to see what was taking me so long and helped me find my glasses, although we found several pairs that looked like mine but weren't. I was mumbling, "I should have put them in my bag; that's what my mother does." even though I knew that wasn't true and I didn't think the bag that was supposed to be mine was really mine.
An older couple carrying a toddler girl came into the bathroom to tell Mr Brady he was going to be late for the picnic. I offered to carry the girl for a while to give the old man's back a rest. At first she was happy to be with someone else and stood on my chest and giggled, then she got teary and the woman had to take her.
I went outside to get back to my friends but was waylaid and had to watch a demo of a DVD movie that was a cross between Gladiator and Donkey Kong, then I realised I was watching it on a 21" PC screen that was meant to be part of my puter and I knew someone had installed a new version of Windows without my permission. The demo started with a sequence called "The Gallery" which was a cg overlay on an aerial shot of old houses, supposedly in Venice, all with their roofs off. I could see into all the rooms like they were part of a dollhouse and I became quite absorbed in watching it. I was annoyed when the sequence changed to pictures of a garden with toy-like cg birds and miscellaneous fantasy shapes flitting about over the top.
Somehow the demo became reality and I had to go to a stadium to play a special Millennium Edition of Donkey Kong. I was shown how to play on the monitor demo again -- all I had to do was point at the gorilla while it was singing and catch the cork spaceship and I would win. While I was watching this part I noticed the taskbar was translucent and the sides of it were about 20 pixels off the edge of the screen. I thought it was pretty.
Then, instead of being in the game, I was back on the hill with the two guys and I was holding a cork spaceship. I accidentally broke off a piece of the tail fin (which looked like a growth of coral) and nibbled at it and it tasted like a chicken-flavoured biscuit, only chewy. Then I found the pieces were slotted together like a puzzle and I hadn't broken the tail fin, only where I'd nibbled a part off had broken its connecting socket and I couldn't put it back together again.
