i've been having this recurring dream that i'm sick and the doctors can't figure out why or what's wrong with me. in this dream i'm in the hospital sitting on my bed, and the nurse comes in and draws blood from me. after she leaves i'm all alone. i sit there crying in this cold uncomfortable room. i've got an iv in, hanging on a pole next to my bed. i throw on a thick warm robe, and walk over to the window. i stand at the window, one hand holding onto the pole, the other on the windowsill as if i couldn't support myself. i'm thin and pale and weak. i watched the sun set over the city. it's not my hometown---it looked like chicago. i sat down in the armchair next to the window and cried.
i fell asleep there, and when i woke up it was later. the room was dark except for a small light over my bed, the sky was dark-the moon was new, no light from there. i could see the stars faintly through my own reflection in the window. i was still alone. i wondered where anybody was. family or friends, neither had showed up at all to see me all day. the only one that had even entered the room was the nurse.
i had this horrible empty feeling inside. like i was missing something. it got to the point that i was tired of feeling empty, i began to feel nothing at all-like i was just numb.
i heard music, i couldn't find where it was coming from. i dunno-i just remember looking for that stereo or something.
i went back to my bed and fell asleep. when i woke up again, there were flowers everywhere. i remember there was a vase with a dozen blue roses in it. i thought that was pretty cool. there were this dark purple orchids, orange tiger lilies, daisies---like all kinds of flowers.
the doctor comes in, and he's like well your test results came back. i got really worried. he told me that there was a problem with my heart. it wasn't working right. if i didn't get a heart transplant, he said that i had about a month to live.
i didn't cry. i just sat there in shock. i didn't know what to think.
i asked the doctor if it was ok for me to go places, or was i going to have to just stay in the hospital? he said i could leave, but they were going to get me a pager in case they got a heart donor.
